In case I forget.

Ups and Downs and All Arounds
April 2, 2007, 3:19 am
Filed under: Counselor A, Dr. Hypnotist, Dr. PCP, Fear, Husband, Mental Health, RX

Quitting Cymbalta was a good thing. Just two days after I quit my sleep returned to normal. Which was great. I’ll see Dr. PCP in about a month and tell him I quit. Counselor A and my Husband both thought I should go see him when I was quitting but I want to wait. I feel like I’m running to him all the time with every little thing. He tells me I’m not a pest but he’s such a nice guy I doubt he would tell me I am even if he thought so.

I’ve seen Dr. Hypnotist three times now. He’s done the hypnotist thing twice. The first time when he began I just couldn’t help but tell him I felt silly. But it went pretty well. I was very aware of the world while it was going on – the sounds of traffic outside, the air blowing from the vents, his voice, my body and how it felt. But I was also not totally conscious the way I am on a day to day basis. Sort of hard to describe. I remembered everything he said to me afterward. I didn’t know what to expect but he just talked to me, told me a story. It was about Erikson and his daughter. I have to tell you – when he brought me out of it – I can’t remember feeling so languid and comfortable. I took a big big stretch and told him I thought he should change his practice to include a room with a sofa, pillow, and blanket so people could take a little nap after being hypnotized. I felt that relaxed. He asked me how long I thought I had been in trance and I told him 10-15 minutes. He smiled and said I had been down 45 minutes. Unbelievable.

The second time I saw him it was totally different. I remember sitting in the chair and I remember the beginning of the process he used to take me down. I remember a tiny bit of the story he told me – something about someone having had stitches and then that person’s brother needing stitches and there being a competition that the second person wanted MORE stitches that the first had gotten. Sibling rivalry at its best! I also remember at one point he told me that one of my hands would feel like it had fallen asleep – tingle and numb. And I remember that it did feel that way. That’s all I remember and I know I was down about 45 minutes again. I’ll see him again this week and ask him what happened last time. I have no idea if he just kept talking or if I responded or what happened. Also, for the last week I’ve been having very strange dreams. My Mother and Father are both dead. My Mother has been dead for almost 20 years, and my Father for 10 years. I can’t remember the last time I dreamt about either of them. But in the last week or so I’ve had at least one very, very strange, very detailed, very vivid dream about each of them. Just last night I had a bizarre dream that involved Ganny, my mother’s mother. In each of these dreams there has been at least a few moments that took place in the house I grew up in. This house does not have happy memories for me. And in each of these dreams something violent or scary happened that involved me.

I was out of town last week so I didn’t see him. Both times after I have seen him I’ve felt so darned good most of the week after. Very relaxed, a good bit more positive than I have been for a long time. But last week and especially this weekend things have been really bad in my head. The “white noise” has become a lot louder. It is now more of a conscious thing that I think about a lot every day. The accident has been front and center in my brain and I’ve been actively trying to remember the feelings I had in the hospital, how badly the physical therapy hurt, how isolated I felt all those months at home in the wheelchair.

Worse of all, I’ve been thinking a lot about pain. I hate to admit this – really hate to admit this – but I’ve been thinking about causing myself pain of hurting my body. Not in the suicide ideation sort of thinking – nothing like that. But I’ve been thinking about those girls who cut themselves. I’ve been wondering what that feels like and what kind of mental release it gives them. I’ve been picturing taking a razor blade and carving tiny little parallel lines in the top of my thigh. Not deep, just enough to draw a little blood. I’ve never ever had these kind of thoughts before. It worries me, and it fascinates me all at the same time. I think the only thing that has kept me from doing it is that I can’t figure out how to hide the marks from my husband while they heal. I’m thinking I should talk with Counselor A about this but at the same time I am scared to. It is such a self destructive thing to even think about much less do and I don’t know what she will feel like she needs to do. I certainly don’t want her to talk to Dr. PCP about it, or Dr. Hypnotist, or worse of all, my husband. I can ask her not to, but I know that there are exceptions to the rules of confidentiality and that if she feels compelled I probably can’t stop her from trying to reach out to Dr. PCP or my husband to help me. I feel compelled to talk with someone about this because it scares me to be thinking this way, but at the same time I am scared that she won’t keep it between us.

I am scared that this might be some sort of side effect manifesting from the Lamictal. I’m at 600mg a day now and that’s a relatively high dosage. Also, for the last few weeks I am having the experience of the tip of my index fingers going numb. I also worry that this might be connected to the increased Lamictal dosage. I know these are not side effects that are listed on the Lamictal information sheet, but I also know that Lamictal is a very quirky drug that is known to have strange side effects on different people. I’m afraid to even ask Dr. Neuro B about any of this because I am afraid that if he thinks these things are connected to the drug that he will take me off of it. I am having so much success with this drug I don’t want to give it up no matter what. At this 600mg dosage I am down to 10-15% days, and I have even had a couple of days where, when I do burp, it surprises me because I actually had forgotten about burping all day. That is a heaven sent blessing.

So basically right now I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid I might have this drug taken away. I am afraid that maybe I could hurt myself. I am afraid that it is an attractive idea. I am afraid that maybe this hypnotism is somehow manifesting these feelings in my, and allowing the “white noise” to become so much stronger. I am worried that maybe this hypnotism has something to do with these weird dreams. I am just plain scared right now and that’s a hard place to be.


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