In case I forget.

It looks like I have AIDS.
February 16, 2007, 11:47 pm
Filed under: Counselor A, Dr. Neuro B, Dr. PCP, Mental Health, RX, Seizure

I have this seven day pill box. I opened it this morning to take my multiple drugs and when I looked at the pile of pharmaceuticals in my hand it reminded me of all the pills a friend on mine who has AIDS has to take every day. There were seven pills in my hand! And that didn’t count the two that I take out and put back in the box to take at night!! I am only 43!!! I hate this.

The Lamictal is up to 600mg a day. It’s really helping. The frequency of seizures has dropped to about 15% a day, and the strength of the burping has diminished greatly. But it’s not enough to make Dr. Neuro B happy.

Counselor A and I are meeting every week. I think we have a good relationship. I feel very comfortable with her. We talked this week about what Dr. Neuro B had said about Wellbutrin and we talked about Cymbalta. I told her I had read anecdotal reports that were either really good or really, really bad. I told her I hadn’t decided, and that when I see Dr. PCP in April I will discuss it with him. When I was driving home from her office I was thinking about the whole thing and said well fuck this. I called and set an appointment to see Dr. PCP that afternoon. I told him about the Wellbutrin discussion and he said the same thing – no way. I told him Dr. Neuro B said he has good success with Cymbalta and we talked about it a little bit. He gave me a bunch of samples and told me to come back in a month. He said the big problem with Cymbalta is nausea. I said I could handle that. He said, no – nausea that is like puking your guts out. I asked if had anything that would just cause a low grade nausea all day because I’m sure I could loose 20 pounds on that. It’s great to have a doctor you can make jokes with.

When he gave me the sample boxes I asked him to write the instructions because I have so much trouble remembering things. He was  trying to write on the box and griping, “Why do they put this wax on these boxes??”. I dug out a pocket sized black Sharpie from my purse to give to him. He said he had one. I said the little one? That you can carry in your pocket? He said yeah and pointed in the general direction of his office, saying “But it has Flonase printed on it.” I looked at the pile of samples on the table between us and said, “Drug Whore”. We both cracked up. This man has saved my life more than once.

I started this new drug on Wednesday. A little dizziness, a little sleepy. No nausea but a slight decrease in appetite. Nothing bad about that! From the anectodal reports I’ve read, about half the folks complain about decreased sexual drive and about half brag of increased sexual drive. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for the later.

The big deal here is that I’ve admitted that yes, Dr. PCP is right (isn’t he always) and that yes Counselor A is right. I am depressed. I’m not crazy, suicidal, drive under an 18 wheeler depressed, but I’m not right, either. I’m avoiding my friends. I not leaving the house for days at a time. I am showering but I’m not getting dressed. I’m not taking phone calls. I’m having trouble reading, not interested in movies, just lots of blah. So I’ve admitted it. Hi. My name is In Case I Forget and I’m depressed. (Hi, In Case I Forget!). Just admitting it is depressing. I swear I know it’s irrational but it seems like such a cop out – so whiny. When I was with Dr. PCP and he asked me why I fight admitting this so much I smiled at him and said “Because I’m tough”. He laughed. And wrote me prescriptions. He’s a good guy. I’m very grateful to have him in my life.