In case I forget.


Stop it. Just stop it. And oh yeah, don’t call me, OK?
June 29, 2007, 11:39 pm
Filed under: Counselor A, Dr. Neuro B, Dr. PCP, Dr. Psych, Fear, Husband, Mental Health, RX

I remember when I last saw Counselor A. I told her that I just wanted to stop. That I was only willing to do what is absolutely necessary to get by and nothing else. So I go to work. I take a bath. I eat. I try to sleep, often with little success.

Sometime on Wednesday I realized that I’m doing things that I don’t absolutely have to do.

I don’t have to see a psychiatrist. I went to see Dr. Psych  yesterday and I told her that. I told her that I can’t afford to see her since she is out of network and that the only thing she can do is give me pills anyway.

One of the other things I realized is that I don’t have to take all these damned pills. I told her I am quitting the Lexapro. I told her I wanted to know how to get off the Effexor. She didn’t think any of this is a good idea but you know what? She doesn’t live in my head and she doesn’t know what it does to me every time I dump a handful of pills into my palm every  morning and night to swallow. She asked if she could talk with Dr. PCP about this and I told her it was fine, and that I would be seeing him that afternoon anyway. She asked if I would talk with him and tell him and I told her yes, of course, I don’t keep things like this from him. She gave me the names of two psychiatrists she knows who are on my insurance and said that if I can’t see her that I should see one of them. I don’t absolutely have to, and I don’t see the point anyway.

I don’t absolutely have to see a counselor. I’ve talked with Counselor A since November and it sure as hell hasn’t helped. I’m in much worse shape now than I was then. Understand, that isn’t her fault. She was so kind and I felt so safe sitting in that room with her. Our time together was good. But I was going down instead of up.

I don’t want to go down any farther.

I did see Dr. PCP yesterday afternoon. I told him I want to get off all these pills. He didn’t comment but he did tell me how to do it. I don’t know what his thoughts are, which is strange, because usually he tells me. I showed him how my hands have started to tremble over the last month or so. He stuck his finger in the air and had me move mine from my nose to the tip of his finger. He kept moving his finger farther back. He said the tremor got worse the farther back he moved his finger. I told him I’m seeing Dr. Neuro B on Monday and he said I should talk with him about it.

I had actually set the appointment with Dr. PCP because I needed to have blood drawn for Lamictal levels to take with me on Monday. I told him that I know he can’t code me for just a blood draw and asked him to look at some sores in my mouth. They’re small and white, and when I scrape the top off them there is a depression inside. (Depression. Ha. HA!)  Dr. PCP said the thinks it might be thrush. THRUSH???

He wrote me a prescription for Nystatin. I said, “It’s not a pill, right?” He said no, it’s not a pill. He said take a teaspoon or so, swish it in my mouth and then spit it out.  I said, “Swish and spit?” He said yes – that he was even going to write that on the RX. And he did. Made me chuckle when I got the bottle. I did it for the first time this afternoon. It didn’t taste so bad. Until about ten minutes later. A horrible, revolting, sour, metallic after taste. Hours later it is still there. A couple of times I thought it would make me throw up. I have to go do it again soon. I hope I can do this for five days and that it works.

I said to him, THRUSH??? He said that’s what it looks like. And then. THEN. T H E N he said he wanted to take a tube of blood to run an HIV test. I asked him why? It’s like my brain stopped. When he said thrush I immediately thought of a friend who has HIV and who also has had problems with thrush for a long time. I thought thrush=HIV. Of course, that’s not necessarily true. BUT. Dr. PCP said HIV test. I agreed and went about my day. Now, a day later, I’m stunned. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for fifteen years. I reminded Dr. PCP of that when he said HIV test. He said to do it anyway.

So I’m stunned. I’m thinking of what it’s going to be like to be off all the psychiatric meds, and tonight I am sitting in bed terrified that on Monday he won’t just email me my lab results. If he calls me instead, I am pretty sure I won’t stay here. I’ve seen so many people slowly waste away with HIV. Back in the 1980’s my friends were dying left and right. A couple of them who were infected back then are still alive and their lives, how the disease has changed them and warped them, it’s horrific. When I said in a previous post that I know people with HIV who take fewer pills every day than I do, I was serious. But HIV is something I can’t face.

My first thought is that if Dr. PCP calls instead of emailing that I will loose my husband and job and home and car because I will have to be put in a rubber room. Or, I will go on and execute (Ha. HA!) that “How bad is it today?” plan because that will be the day I will have to say “Yeah, it’s that fucking bad.” Sitting across that exam table from Dr. PCP an pretending that I can even in my wildest dreams think of any way to deal with that talk, the “This is why I asked you to come in” talk, is so outside the realm of possibilities that I think it would be easier to fly across the sky. So I hope he emails me. If he calls me on Monday I don’t think I’ll answer the phone.

Advertisements

Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: