In case I forget.


Don’t Pee on the Sofa
June 12, 2007, 9:22 pm
Filed under: Counselor A, Dr. PCP, Dr. Psych, Husband, Mental Health, RX

Counselor A called me back the Monday after I left her the message that I’m taking a break. She was very nice. She said she had gotten my message and then “You’re right of course, I don’t agree that this is the best thing for you”. We talked a bit and I explained that I’m just worn out – physically and emotionally. That I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m not making progress. Instead actually I’m getting worse. She asked if it was OK for her to talk with Dr. PCP and I told her yes. She asked if it is OK if she calls to check on me in a couple of weeks. I told her yes again. Such a nice lady. Not her fault I’m such a mess.

Dr. PCP called me the next day. Such a kind man. Wonder what I ever did to deserve him? Wonder what he ever did to deserve me? Poor guy. We talked for about 15 minutes. We talked about how everything is getting worse. He was very supportive and reinforced Counselor A’s belief that I should consider continue seeing someone, if not her. He told me he wants me to think about seeing a psychiatrist. I told him that all they do is write pills and I didn’t see the difference between them writing them and him. He said that psychiatrists can be more “aggressive” than he can with my kinds of needs. He said he would continue to pray for me. He touches me deeply by just caring for my with such sincerity.

I thought about our talk a few days and I went to see him Friday. His schedule was running behind and I had to wait about half an hour. I don’t mind this – I know that he works hard to be on time. I know that if he is late it is because another patient needed more time with him, and I respect that completely because heaven knows he gives me as much time as I need, often as much time as HE thinks I need which is sometimes more time than I want. I was very stressed about everything that is going on, and that I was going to have to talk with him since I am so embarressed to be what I consider is burden on him. I was rubbing my fingernail back and forth across the back of my hand in a line from the bottom of my index finger to the bottom of my thumb. I started rubbing it harder and then really digging in. I didn’t draw blood but I did dig a big gash in the skin. The next day it was a big dark scab. I’m keeping Neosporin on it and I hope it doesn’t scar badly.

Dr. PCP and I talked about where I am in my head. I told him that I had thought about his psychiatrist suggestion and that I had printed out a list of network providers from my insurance company’s web site. I gave him the list and he circled four names. He said that most first appointments for psychiatrist take about two months. He said that he doesn’t personally talk with the four he circled, but that he knows people who go to them. I asked him to write the name of some that he personally talks to and he did. We talked about how much trouble I’m having staying asleep – that I’m waking up all night an sometimes it’s very hard just to get to sleep. I told him I take a “swig” of NyQuil and that helps. He wanted me to try another drug, Seroquil. I said I had never heard of it. He said it is an anti-psychotic but that I shouldn’t worry – he doesn’t think I’m psychotic (“I don’t treat psychotics.”) but that it is used off-label to help with sleeping and depression. I had a hard time agreeing – one more damned pill for the pill box. Finally I said OK and he gave me some samples. He asked me to email him and let him know how I was doing.

I asked him to look at my thigh and tell me if he thinks anything is infected. He did and said, “No. You’re healing.” I told him it had been two days since I had cut.

None of the doctors he circled were available for at least two months – just like he said. I called the doctor that he knows and got an appointment in late June. He’s out of network but I think I can afford it since you really don’t see a psychiatrist regularly.

I tried the Seroquil that night. This is the email I sent him on Monday:

Hey Dr. PCP-

I took 50mg of Seroqiul about 10pm Friday night.

I slept as if in a coma until 1pm Saturday. Got up, paid homage to the pill box, went back to bed.

Woke up at 4pm sprawled sideways across the bed, on my belly and naked. My panties and t-shirt (which I had been wearing when I went to bed) were at the top of the bed in a big pile, along with my blankets. My head and left arm were hanging off the bed and my dog was stretched out by my side, my right arm wrapped around him in a death grip.

Got up, got dressed, had something to eat. Read for about an hour, until the words started swimming in circles on the page. Went back to bed about 6pm. While going to sleep my hands kept reaching up to turn the page of the book I had left in the living room. I kept thinking “there is no book here” but also kept trying to turn the page. I could feel the paper and hear the sound of it turning. That was really, truly weird.

Woke up around 8pm. Watched a movie with Husband. Stayed up until 2am, took another round with the pill box and 50mg of Seroquil, and woke up Sunday at 8am.

Fell back asleep at 11am and the day continued with weirdness. Staying up for a couple of hours, falling asleep for a few, and waking up again.

At one point I was sleeping on the sofa and became about half awake. I needed to pee but was so drugged I didn’t think I could move. I had a serious conversation with myself which involved a debate about just peeing on the sofa. The argument on the side of not moving included “There is a blanket under me. It will absorb most of it. The sofa is leather so I can just clean it when I get up because it won’t soak in.” I am proud to say my potty training won out. (As I’m sure Husband is, also.)

All of this plus some of the strangest dreams I have ever had (and that is saying a lot). I can see why this drug is used to control a psychotic. It knocked me on my ass. I didn’t take it Sunday night and don’t think this is the answer for me.

I did call the psychiatrist offices that you circled. As you said, next available appts Aug and Sept. I called Dr. Psych’s office. Next appt. June 27. I booked even though he is out of network and we’ll see how that goes. I have an appt with you before that but I’m going to cancel it since I don’t know that there is much of a point to it until we see that Dr. Psych says. So please let me know when you want to see me next. Very much want to visit Mr. Razor Blade but keep chanting in my head “Dr. PCP would not approve”. See? You help even when you don’t know you’re doing it.

I hope you slept a lot less than I did this weekend and didn’t seriously think about peeing on your sofa. Thanks for your time and help!

We emailed back and forth a few times yesterday and he asked if I want him to call Dr. Psych’s office and see if he can get me in earlier. I told him that I wouldn’t turn it down if he could. We’ll see.

I want to cut. I had planned to tonight when I was driving home. When I got out of my car I brought my blades into the house. I got tied up with email and snail mail and before I could cut my husband got home from work. He’s practicing guitar right now and I think it would be safe to do so. All my other cuts are healing. They’re past the scab stage and have progressed to the pink, itchy stage. We’ll see how it goes tonight.

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