In case I forget.

Really, It’s Not That Bad
April 8, 2007, 11:54 pm
Filed under: Counselor A, Dr. Hypnotist, Dr. PCP, Fear, Mental Health, Pictures, RX

Wow I was in a pretty ugly place last night. I just read over my last post and if I were you reading it, I would think “Damned that girl’s in bad shape!” Well, where I am these days is not terribly pretty but it isn’t as ugly as it might seem from last night.

Last Wednesday was a marathon of co-pays and struggles.

It all started on the way to my first co-pay opportunity, an appointment with Counselor A. On the way to her office, at the corner of Chimney Rock and Memorial, I had a really scary encounter with an HFP Heavy Rescue truck. I heard their siren, I pulled into the left turn lane to get out of their way. The truck came to a full stop in the open lane next to me, but a little behind me, and let go with their “HEY YOU STUPID FUCKER I’M HERE CAN’T YOU SEE / HEAR ME? I’M HUGE AND LOUD” horn. I damned near pissed my pants. I know I wasn’t in the way of the truck – and there wasn’t any cross traffic on Memorial so I can’t figure out why the truck stopped behind me and tried to burst my ear drums. I was so scared. I looked up and down Memorial and, figuring I MUST be in the trucks way even though I was totally in the left turn lane, I tore out of the lane and crossed in front of the truck across Memorial, pulling to a stop in the right hand lane about 20 feet from the intersection. The truck pulled across Memorial and passed me. I didn’t know what to do!! I wasn’t in the truck’s way, and I was so afraid when I crossed in front of it that it would pull out at the same time and crush me! Ironic, wouldn’t it have been. Crushed again by a truck, but this time the Heavy Rescue people would be right there to cut me out of my little car.

By the time I got to Counselor A.’s office I was still shaking and crying. It had been a really tough couple of weeks anyway and I just completely fell apart in her office. I’ve never done that before, and honestly, it was good to be in a safe place where I could just cry and not be concerned about who would see, or what they would think. After a while I calmed down a bit and we talked. She wanted to know what was going on since I was obviously in a bad place before the encounter with the truck. I told her that since she had urged me to write about what’s going on, and since I had told her I keep this anonymous blog, I had taken my laptop with me that day. I pulled up my previous post about cutting and showed it to her. Her reaction was great. It may have been the best thing I’ve ever been told about being in mental pain. She told me “It’s OK to think about it. There is nothing wrong with having thoughts.” Of course, we went on to agree that there IS something wrong with acting on those thoughts.

I explained to her how out of control I’ve felt these last couple of weeks. How I have come to the point where I have to admit that the evil word “depression” is now unavoidable. I wondered if the last meeting I had with Dr. Hypnotist might have a connection. We talked about what I had written about that in the previous post. She was, of course, very concerned about me and told me to come see her tomorrow instead of waiting until our customary Wednesday. She also urged me to talk with Dr. Hypnotist about my worries.

So off to Dr. Hypnotist I went. We talked about all of this and in response to my “What the hell?” he assured me that he hasn’t gotten anywhere near anything having to do with the accident in our time together. He suggested that possibly my current state is connected to my problem with missing such a big chunk of time from the accident. Since I don’t remember anything of our last session, he said maybe my mind is reacting strongly to that, connecting it with missing more time. I fell apart in his office, too, and just cried my heart out. He was very kind and patient.

That afternoon I had an appointment with Dr. PCP, yet another co-pay opportunity. I went to him to get a referral authorization for a biopsy my periodontist wants to do and while I was there he asked about my progress with the Cymbalta. I told him that I had stopped taking it a week after we last met and we talked about the extreme sleeping pattern. He asked if I was feeling depressed. I just held up my hand and told him I couldn’t even talk about it, that I would cry if I did. Gee. Guess that answer says a lot, huh? He said he understood but stressed that I have to take something. He gave me month’s sample of Effexor and when I told him I didn’t want to take anything  he said, “I want you to feel better”, stress on the “I”. So I took the samples. I’m due to see him in another month. I feel like I practically live in his office. The truth is I get a lot of comfort from seeing him, from knowing that he is watching me and cares about me.

I know that they say that when a person starts a new anti-depressant that things can get a lot worse before they get better. That’s what I’m chalking this up to, and I’m trying to be patient.

I did a little housekeeping on the page today. Yahoo and Flickr have done something evil on a corporate level that make it impossible for folks who aren’t signed in to Yahoo to view The Visuals, and my Flickr account is so screwed up I can’t access it. So I’ve dumped the link to that and just added a page with The Visuals. In case I forget.


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