In case I forget.

Here comes that fear again
October 29, 2006, 10:22 pm
Filed under: Dr. Neuro B, Dr. PCP, Fear, Mental Health, RX

This is NOT how I was hoping this would go. Today I started the target dose for Lamictal, 300mg. For most of this past week the burping has been getting worse again and today I had the first series in a few months that was so long and heavy I couldn’t get my breath. I am so freaking scared that this drug is going to quit working again, and I just don’t know how I’ll deal with that. I’m about two weeks out from my first follow-up with Dr. Neuro B.

I guess if this has to happen that it’s best that it happens before I go back so I’ll be able to address it at that time. I just can’t believe this is happening again. I feel so pathetic and self absorbed. I feel like just crying. I have this oh-so-self-pitying thought running through my head: I don’t deserve this! I didn’t do anything wrong!

When I was in the hospital and then in rehab and then all the months of physical therapy and all the surgeries, all the pain and frustration, all the fear and anger, all the stress and imposition on my family and friends, I kept my eye on the endgame: I would overcome this. I would make my limbs work again. They would be better than any doctor or therapist thought the could be because I am strong in mind and body, I am determined to not give up anything. I didn’t do anything wrong and I can get through this.

But now? I don’t know if I can get through this. I can’t force my brain to get better the way I could force my leg to bend or my should to lift my arm up just a little bit farther every day. I can’t fix this through force of will. These past two years have taken so much out of me.

I think a lot about Dr. PCP and that time he spent with me on the floor in his exam room. I try to go back in my head to those moments when he was holding my hand, when he told me God could help, when he told me he would pray for me. I hope he still is. Because I really, really need it.


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