In case I forget.


Less Than
July 26, 2006, 11:40 pm
Filed under: Brain Bits, Dr. PCP, Fear, Memory

I used to be the person who, if your cat got hit by a car, you wanted to have around. Have a project due in 7 minutes that you’re dying over? I was the one you called on to make it happen. Going into labor? Hell, I could boil water. Ha.

But now, I’m different. The first really big thing I can remember being different was the hurricane this past summer. I. Freaked. Out. P-A-N-I-C. It was because of me that we ended up in the Exodus That Didn’t Happen. I just couldn’t cope. Looking back, it didn’t make sense.

I was born on and have lived my entire life no more than 50 miles from the Gulf of Mexico. One of my earliest memories is the view out of the window of a blue 1962 Bonneville as my family and I hauled it away from New Orleans the day before Betsy blew through. I’ve done floods, I’ve done wind. You stock up and keep good insurance. That’s it.

But not last summer. Last summer I was frantic to leave even though there was no reason at all for us to do so.

So the hurricane was the biggie, and there are a few specific things that I’ve had really inappropriate reactions to. One led me to my Dr. PCP and it put him in a very difficult situation that called upon him to extend a great amount of trust in me. Another time, I was driving under a train track and had a total feeling of being crushed and deafened. I had to pull over and calm myself to be safe to drive. Then, there are a million day to day things that are just…different.

I just don’t trust myself to react the wasy “I” should to anything stressful. I have missed a lot of work not only because of doctor appointments, medical tests, surgeries, and physical therapy, but also because I just can’t focus. I have the project in front of me but I can’t get my head around it. And new things coming in just overwhelm me. It feels like everything that hits my desk is just huge.

This morning there were strong storms passing through town. I used to L-O-V-E storms. I craved them – would go stand out in them. Today, I left my house and got about three blocks down the road. It was raining – hard – and there was a lot of lightening. A bolt hit pretty close – I saw it come down – and I was so scared! I tried to go down my normal route, but there was so much standing water I didn’t trust it.

I tried another route, but there was a lot more lightening, and I just turned randomly to get off the main road. I actually got lost. In my own neighborhood. Less than a mile from my home. I was only lost for a few minutes, and I knew I was in my neighborhood, I just couldn’t figure out which street went where.

I’m not me.

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